TREVOR NOAH (HOST): So then, Jordan, Ted Cruz lost?
JORDAN KLEPPER: Yeah. First place lost.
NOAH: Oh okay, I see, I see. So then in this marathon, Donald Trump coming in second is actually the best.
KLEPPER: Trump? Oh god no. Trump being humble is something no one wants to see. It's like walking in on your dad jerking off.
NOAH: Now I've got that image. Okay, got it. So, second place is also failure. So that means Bernie Sanders must be very disappointed.
KLEPPER: Are you kidding? He did almost as well as Hillary Clinton. That's a huge victory.
NOAH: Oh, so Hillary did good, then?
KLEPPER: No, she did almost as bad as Bernie Sanders. That's a huge loss.
NOAH: But she won.
KLEPPER: Exactly, she lost. She better pray she loses in New Hampshire, so she can get back on top. Like Marco Rubio.
NOAH: But Jordan, Marco Rubio came in third.
KLEPPER: Which is a Republican first.
NOAH: Is this a riddle? You know how I feel about riddles.
KLEPPER: I know, they're witchcraft. I get it.
NOAH: Okay, Jordan. So if I've got this right, even though Rubio came in third, he was the Republican winner?
KLEPPER: Yes. But now he's a loser, because he's going to be a target in Saturday's New Hampshire debate. He'd be wetting his pants if he wasn't so dehydrated.
NOAH: Oh, okay. I get it now, I get it. So if doing good is bad and doing bad is good, then Jeb Bush must have done amazing last night.
KLEPPER: No. Jeb can't do good or bad anymore. He can only do Jeb. Which is like bad, but worse.
