Incredibly, he ran out of things to say...

By Christine Schwen

Rush opened today's show by highlighting Newsweek senior Washington correspondent Howard Fineman's new column, in which Fineman discussed how getting sick during a recent trip to Argentina gave him new insight into the U.S. health care debate. Limbaugh added that if Fineman tuned in at a little after noon, he would correct Fineman's assertions. Rush later announced that Fineman had called to say he would be unable to tune in, but that he would catch the show later. Rush was honored to know that Fineman doesn't miss the show, but later expressed shock because none of Rush's teachings seemed to be sinking in.

Limbaugh then took a moment to calm nervous dittocam fans by explaining that he had temporarily turned off the camera feed, but that it was working and that he would have it up later. He then turned it on to an extreme close-up of his face, just to prove that it was working. We felt much better after that.

Next, the host turned to news that President Obama approves of the U.S. post office's proposal to end Saturday delivery. Rush declared that if Obama were consistent on his economic model, he would make the post office's budget problems worse -- because he makes everything worse (ha-ha, get it?).

Rush then turned on the fully zoomed dittocam again, explaining that he was playing with the camera's zoom as an audition for a non-union camera job at ABC. Unfortunately for Rush, his camera skills left a bit to be desired.

Then Rush announced that “it's a ruse” that Obama hates the banks, because the GMAC CEO received a pay package rivaling that of Goldman Sachs' Lloyd Blankfein.

Next, Rush turned the dittocam back on and held up a picture from the UK Sun of polar bears standing on a melting iceberg. Rush claimed that the picture is fraudulent, because polar bears can swim 60 miles, and so they're not in danger (why not tell that to the bears that are drowning, Rush?). Rush added that even if they did die it would be no great loss, because there's been an explosion in the polar bear population. This would be great news to the experts; Rush should really release his undoubtedly rigorous scientific findings.

Then Rush mocked Larry Summers for claiming that the February snowstorms may distort unemployment data. We know that Rush has a lot to do, so we've written a little something to help him understand this issue.

Then, Rush highlighted the shocking story of a man who was electrocuted by urinating on a downed power line. He speculated that he had to urinate because he was listening to Democratic strategist Bob Beckel on Fox News.

Instructor Rush suggested becoming America's sole source of education

Next, Rush asked us to think of him as an instructor. “Look at me not as a professor; look at me as a teacher,” he said, at “The Limbaugh Institute.” Noting how little he charges for full access to the vast resources on his website, he suggested that the country would save an enormous amount of money on education if people just listened to him for three hours every day instead of actually attending school. While that's a very gracious offer, the Limbaugh Wire has some concerns about that proposal.

After the break, Limbaugh attacked the Democrats for supposedly pushing NY Gov. David Paterson and former Rep. Harold Ford Jr. (D-TN) out of the party. He argued that if you're a “Black moderate,” then you can't be in the Democratic Party. He added that if Paterson were white and his last name was Clinton, the “nags” would have left him alone.

Rush then announced that Sen. Jim Bunning is being attacked in the media and played several clips of media figures talking about Bunning, including claims that he's “outside the box” and “isn't afraid of ruffling feathers.” Rush added that all Bunning's doing is defending pay-go.

After the next break, Rush played the Bunning montage again, including a report that Bunning flipped off ABC News, and Rush then suggested that those comments sounded more like Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid than Bunning. Rush then played a clip of Vice President Joe Biden talking about the 2,000 workers furloughed as a result of Bunning's actions; Rush sputtered that it's “silly” for Biden to say that because “everyone knows” those workers will get their money.

Then, sitting in his posh perch in South Florida, Rush added that “dingy” Harry Reid and the Democrats are “out of touch” because they're “playing the violins” for the furloughed workers and people not getting unemployment workers, instead of focusing on Bunning's efforts to enforce pay-go. Rush added that this is a great microcosm of who's out of touch and who's in touch. Yes, Rush, we couldn't agree more...

Then, Rush defended himself for incorrectly identifying a Chicago gun ban as an Illinois gun ban by saying he's rarely “wrong.” By “wrong,” does he mean “right”?

Next, Rush returned to mocking Summers' claim that snowstorms can affect employment. Really, Rush, check this out. We know how much you hate to be wrong, so we'll be waiting for your correction.

Coming back from break, Rush shouted at his staff for using a Bare Naked Ladies song for bumper music, adding that he'd never heard of them and thought it was Ozzy Osbourne. Hmm.

Then Rush took a call for one of the furloughed workers he's been diminishing. The caller actually said he supported Bunning's actions, and Rush as well.

Instructor Rush schooled Fineman on the complexities of health care

Limbaugh began the second hour by finally dealing with Howard Fineman's health care column. After reading the column, Rush determined that Fineman is just ignorant of how things work. Rush then argued that Fineman's Argentine experience was so much cheaper than it would have been in the U.S. because most of the people receiving care in the U.S. don't pay for it. This is because Americans think they're entitled to the best health care (which he likened to being entitled to staying at a 5-star hotel like the Waldorf Astoria). Rush's second point for Fineman was that Argentina was much cheaper because they don't have malpractice insurance like in the U.S. Rush added that there is not one government program that makes people happy and is efficient (Rush, check out Medicare and the “best care anywhere” at the VHA). Despite his initial suggestion that it's the health insurance middlemen that ramp up costs, Rush then ranted some more that that it's the government's fault that costs are so high. This, Limbaugh determined, was because Obama has never run a business in his life. Then, Instructor Rush, confident he had set Fineman straight, cut to break.

Rush came back from break still marveling about how much Fineman doesn't understand. For example, it's the U.S. -- not Argentina -- he said, which holds those patents on the medications he took. Interestingly, he did not wonder why that would make those medications cost less in Argentina. He did wonder, though, when the government became an expert at making safe cars and providing health care. Rush decided that we're sunk because we've made the government godlike. After all, Rush decided, there isn't one company in the country that would hire Obama to do anything, not one.

Next came the obligatory sexist and/or gross portion of the show, in which Rush lamented that mistresses don't keep their mouths shut anymore, pointing to former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer's madam announcing her candidacy for governor. Limbaugh added: “I'm sure Tiger Woods agrees with me”:

LIMBAUGH: You know, folks, nothing's the same as it used to be in this country. There used to be a day or if you had a mistress, she kept her mouth shut. Now, they run for office. Eliot Spitzer madam has announced her gubernatorial run -- not the actual -- not the Ashley what's her face, but the Ashley's boss. The actual madam that Spitzer sent the money to is now running for governor somewhere. I'm sure Tiger Woods agrees with me on this. They used to keep their mouths shut; now they want to be on reality shows, beauty contests, and so forth.

Rush then suggested that Kristin Davis, the madam, might be a member of the "coffee party." Although, he added, we don't really know what party she belongs to -- maybe she's a “teabagger,” he wondered. “A real teabagger,” Rush clarified, “not the slur for a tea party person.” (Sometimes, it's just better not to comment.)

Rush ran out of things to say, settled for worn-out jokes and attacks on coupons

Rush, seemingly out of material, decided to repeat his lame joke about Obama's plan for the post office. You could refer back to the first hour for more information; we don't feel it's necessary to repeat it here.

Then Rush announced that the Democrats will pay for “all this” by losing in November, but warned Republicans that winning majorities is not enough -- they have to stop Obama from creating the entitlement in the first place.

Then, Rush took a caller who suggested that since Sen. Frank Lautenberg has stomach cancer, he should set a good example and take only painkillers and end-of-life counseling. “Well,” Rush responded, “I can't argue with your logic.” Rush's endorsement of the caller's misrepresentation of end-of-life counseling not withstanding, his crass response to the news of Lautenberg's health really astounded us.

Back from that much needed break (and perhaps out of material again?), Rush read the entirety of Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels' Wall Street Journal op-ed on health savings accounts, then announced that “if you tax something, you're going to get less of it -- Economics 101.”

Rush then returned to the “attacks” on Sen. Bunning. He played a clip of Obama endorsing pay-go, then declared that Obama is a hypocrite for touting it and then letting “the president's own media” attack Bunning.

Rush then read an article stating that kids are moving toward “constant eating,” which may be contributing to the rise in the childhood obesity rate. Rush objected to the article because he doesn't think they could possibly know that the obesity rate is increasing. Some thin people eat all the time, Rush explained. Rush blamed Michele Obama for this, saying that she cares so much about this that “she called her own kids fat.” For the umpteenth time, no, Rush, she did not.

Then, Rush began detailing his credit card habits, and his hatred of coupons, signaling to his staff that it was time for another break.

After he finished explaining the mundane details of his credit card usage, Rush read a New York Post piece about how Americans are worried about the economy. Rush explained that he read this piece because Bunning's actions are resonating with the American people... He lost us on that one.

Rush then took a call from an angry University of Cincinnati student who said he has to pay a health fee. Rush felt this was interesting enough to listen to for several minutes. We at the Limbaugh Wire beg to differ.

Next Rush took a caller who was Limbaugh-ized, but wanted to take issue with his hatred of coupons. Rush chose to let her explain her coupon habits in excruciating detail.

Then Rush played a clip of someone from the NAACP claiming that all like-minded people are welcome. Rush wondered if they would accept his membership, then explained that he calls them the NAALCP because only liberals are welcome. This was about the point at which we began picking Academy Awards winners for the office pool.

After the next break, Rush announced that he forgot to explain something more about the Chicago gun ban (if he was looking for something to cut, we suggest the entire third hour) but that he would get to it tomorrow. Then he finally, mercifully, signed off. Hopefully, tomorrow something will become chickified, which would at least provide Rush with enough material to make it through the show.

Kitty Kaletsky and Michael Timberlake contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.

Highlights

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: You know, folks, nothing's the same as it used to be in this country. There used to be a day or if you had a mistress, she kept her mouth shut. Now, they run for office. Eliot Spitzer madam has announced her gubernatorial run -- not the actual -- not the Ashley what's her face, but the Ashley's boss. The actual madam that Spitzer sent the money to is now running for governor somewhere. I'm sure Tiger Woods agrees with me on this. They used to keep their mouths shut; now they want to be on reality shows, beauty contests, and so forth.