This hour of the Limbaugh Wire brought to you by carrots and their promise of immortality
By Simon Maloy

We've been doing this Limbaugh Wire gig now for more than three months -- three long, long, long months. And, as you might imagine, the job brings with it a certain amount of stress. We didn't realize just how stressful it was, however, until yesterday, when a colleague remarked that we look as though we've aged “at least 10 years” since March. We were incredulous, but pictures don't lie -- here's a photo from our Boston Globe profile two months ago, and here's a photo from yesterday. The weird thing is that we don't remember buying that pipe. Anyway, the point of all this is that starting today, Limbaugh Wire veteran and long-time Limbaugh aficionado Greg Lewis will be taking a more active role in writing the Limbaugh Wire. He knows Rush backwards and forwards, and we're confident he'll do a bang-up job. As such, we hope you, dear reader(s), will afford him the same level of respect/pity you've given us. With that, let's get to it.

Rush got this hump-day show going by declaring that he “did it first,” and no one gave him any credit. Rush explained that, back in 1995, he killed a fly on his TV show, and everyone gave him grief for it, but President Obama killed a fly on CNBC today and the state-run media is treating it like he killed Osama bin Laden.

Rush would get back to this in a moment, but first he had to revisit his favorite chew toy of the moment -- the (false) claim that the Obama administration has asked a Flint, Michigan, Democrat to help bulldoze 50 cities across America. Reading from a Flint Journal article on Limbaugh's comments yesterday extolling the bulldozing of Flint, Rush said: “Mr. Kildee, you have been hired or asked by the Obama administration to bulldoze 50 other cities and all of the sudden, in the local Flint media, I am the villain. I'm the bad guy with a report that says I want to bulldoze the whole city. I never said any such thing.” Isn't any less false than it was yesterday -- Kildee has denied that the administration asked him to apply his bulldozing plans for Flint to other cities. Nevertheless, this falsehood became the premise for the latest hilarious Limbaugh parody: “President Obama” announcing the new “Shrink to Survive” initiative for U.S. cities. Rush said you could have another test market for the “Shrink to Survive” program -- Newark. That's according to an email he received from a Newark resident, said Rush.

Then it was back to the fly swatting, as Rush aired audio bites of Obama killing the insect and joking about it with White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. Rush said this has caused the state-run media to break out in a frenzy of praise, comparing Obama to Michael Jordan, Dirty Harry, and Mr. Miyagi. Rush repeated that they're treating this like Obama wiped out Osama, but the fact of the matter is that Rush did it first. Rush then aired sound bites of his 1995 encounter with a fly, explaining what actually happened to those of us who didn't see the program or couldn't muster enough interest from just hearing the audio. Rush asked if any of us had heard about it when it happened. Of course we didn't, said Rush. All Rush received in return were complaints from the audience about wasting broadcast time.

Leading into the break, Rush asked if the mullahs in Iran had finished their recount. Rush said it doesn't matter how long they spend “recounting,” but, however much time they spend, it will be more than the liberals spent reading the stimulus bill.

After the break, Rush turned to the news in the gay community regarding the Obama administration's position on the Defense of Marriage Act. Rush noted that the Politico reported: “Gay figures pull out of Biden fundraiser.” Rush couldn't help himself: “We here are trying to figure out what body part on Biden the fundraiser is, that gay figures have pulled out of.” Rush was also excited that the piece contained this quote from activist David Mixner: “I am so tired of being told by Democratic operatives to 'suck it up' because so many other profound issues are at stake.” Rush said that Obama is being “slapped silly” on this issue, reading from a Los Angeles Times editorial and a New York Times article on Obama extending job benefits to gay partners.

Rush then moved on to the firing of AmeriCorps inspector general Gerald Walpin. Rush said that the Obama people placed a story about the firing in The Washington Post, which reported that the “White House informed lawmakers last night that an inspector general fired by President Obama appeared confused, disoriented and unable to answer questions when he was called in late May to a meeting of the agency that operates AmeriCorps.” Rush retorted: “That means he got fired for acting like Joe Biden at a meeting. It says here, 'confused and unable to answer questions,' and that's a dead ringer for the vice president.” Anyway, Rush guaranteed that the “Chicago enforcer” Rahm Emanuel is leading the charge on this and said that things keep falling apart for the Obama White House.

After the break, Rush bemoaned that stories like this Reuters article keep getting recycled, but everyone keeps “missing the point.” Rush read from the story, which reported that the “anti-cancer properties of carrots are enhanced 25 percent if they are cooked whole rather than chopped up beforehand, a study has found.” After reading a quote from lead researcher Dr. Kirsten Brandt, Rush noted that she's “a woman, which makes sense: a female researcher in a kitchen.” Anyway, the “point” Rush wished to get across was this: We always hear about these foods that fight cancer, but everyone who has eaten carrots in this world is dead or will be dead. How many people, asked Rush, who died in car accidents or of heart attacks yesterday had eaten carrots? Rush said he does this to illustrate how absurd all of this is. Had Reuters reported that eating carrots will make you live forever, then Rush's response would have made at least some sense. Unfortunately, Reuters' actual, reality-based point was that cooking carrots whole might help ensure that you spend your last months or years leading up to your inevitable death in good health, rather than suffering from the agony of cancer.

Speaking of health, Rush moved on to health care reform, expressing his belief that “we can shut this down.” Rush said he thinks the White House is in trouble and is in “panic mode” as things continue to fall apart. They're not an invincible operation, said Rush. We learned yesterday, said Rush, that the 10-year price on health care reform will be $1 trillion, and it will only cover one-third of the uninsured. We explained yesterday how this isn't quite accurate. But anyway, Rush said things are falling apart and that's why we're seeing stories like these from The Hill and USA Today. The public option is a Trojan horse, said Rush, and big businesses are going to look to offload their health plans. Once that happens, said Rush, the current number of health care options people have are going to dry up, and that's what people are figuring out. This can be rolled back and it can be defeated so long as people keep shouting. What you have to tell people is that Obama's plan will result in you losing your health care plan.

One more break and Rush rounded out the hour with a caller who said that he was born and raised in a Democratic family and was suckered into voting for Obama by his family and all the propaganda, and Obama has done nothing to help the little people, only big businesses. Rush said you have to look at this in a different way. He's destroying big business by taking them over, forcing new taxes on them, and limiting how much they can pay. The caller then wanted to know how, if people can't afford health care now, they're going to be able to afford it after Obama starts taxing it. Rush said he'll still have access to health care, but your take-home pay will be smaller. The caller then explained that he was upset that his health care taxes went up this month to $200. Rush said this was a “gold-mine” call that would be continued in the next hour.

Greg Lewis and Lauryn Bruck contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.

Highlights from Hour 1

Outrageous comments

LIMBAUGH: Ladies and gentlemen, much, much news in the gay community, regarding the Obama administration. They're very upset out there about the Defense of Marriage Act being defended by Obama and the way he's doing it, and now, the Politico is reporting the following headline: “Gay Figures Pull Out of Biden Fundraiser.” We here are trying to figure out what body part on Biden the fundraiser is, that gay figures have pulled out of.

[...]

LIMBAUGH: Some of the money was used illegally. The state -- the U.S. attorney out there failed to file charges, didn't want to get involved in it. Walpin recommended that he do so. Walpin recommended that they not get any more federal money because that's the rule; you misuse it once, you don't get any more. No charges, but the New Hope Academy is refunding something like $400,000 -- almost half of what was given. The Obama administration fired the guy and they've put out a story.

Ladies and gentlemen, in The Washington Post has it today. This story up to now is being carried by Byron York at TheExaminer.com and Fox News has been involved in this, so when it's time for the Obama people to respond to all this, they go to one of their state-run mouthpieces, The Washington Post.

“The Inspector General fired last week by Obama appeared confused, disoriented, and unable to answer questions at a late May board meeting of the Corporation for National Community Service.” That means he got fired for acting like Joe Biden at a meeting. It says here, “confused and unable to answer questions,” and that's a dead ringer for the vice president.

America's Truth Rejector

LIMBAUGH: Mr. Kildee, you have been hired or asked by the Obama administration to bulldoze 50 other cities and all of a sudden, in the local Flint media, I am the villain. I'm the bad guy with a report that says I want to bulldoze the whole city. I never said any such thing.

By the way, Mr. Kildee's work with the Obama administration has led us to receive yet another exclusive -- what do we call these things? -- update, I guess, from the Obama White House.

ANNOUNCER: Now, a special message of hope for America's decaying cities from Barack Obama.

OBAMA IMPERSONATOR: For years, progressive mayors and city governments have worked hard doing everything they can think of to improve deteriorating neighborhoods. They've raised taxes, increased regulation, ignored crime, got tough on business, and destroyed schools. But nothing worked until “Shrink to Survive.”

ANNOUNCER: Starting with 40 percent of Flint, Michigan, “Shrink to Survive” will bulldoze homes and businesses to make green space available to the masses and fight global warming.

IMPERSONATOR: “Shrink to Survive” is a quick, simple, permanent solution to crime and poverty. By tearing down entire neighborhoods and returning them to nature, we will finally solve problems in a proactive, progressive way. No longer will we look ineffective and silly with failed programs that just don't work.

ANNOUNCER: Ask your local government about “Shrink to Survive,” the only progressive policy that just might work.

Ladies' man

LIMBAUGH: This is a Reuters story from London: “The anti-cancer properties of carrots are enhanced 25 percent if they are cooked whole rather than chopped up beforehand, according to a study. And they taste better, too, according to scientists at Newcastle University because more of their sugar is retained. Chopping up your carrots increases” -- stick with me on this, folks. It's not a recipe show -- “Chopping up your carrots increases the surface area so more of the nutrients leach out into the water while they're cooked,” said the lead researcher, a woman, which makes sense: a female researcher in a kitchen, Dr. Kirsten Brandt.