By Christine Schwen

Without even wasting time introducing himself (of course, we could never forget that voice), Rush opened today's show with an important news alert: Some Democrats are going to vote for Scott Brown in today's Massachusetts special election. Rush felt this was very important, but considering how many more Democrats than Republicans registered to vote in Massachusetts, this doesn't seem like mind-blowing news ...

Then Rush and Snerdley spent some time wondering how long ago Rush said he wanted Obama to fail -- something we at the Wire remember well. Rush crowed that his comments are still reverberating today. Then Rush spent some time talking about how prescient he was -- apparently because Rush knew way back in January '09 that he would still want Obama to fail today, and that he would oppose Obama's plans for health care and the economy as much in 2010 as he did in 2009. Absolutely amazing.

After the first break, Rush announced that he will play all-patriotic bumper music today, because Scott Brown can save the country. I don't know about that, but these Sousa renditions are a major improvement over what Rush puts in his regular bumpers.

Rush then began groaning and grunting to a clip of a CNN reporter announcing that Brown may win the Massachusetts special election. No, really. He's very excited about this race.

Moving on, Rush then spent the next several minutes before the break by: shouting, “Oh no! Camelot! Oh no! It's over;” playing clips of anchors on Fox, CNN and -- as Rush called it -- “MessNBC” speculating about why Coakley may lose the race; and speculating whether Ted Kennedy's widow Vicky was “throwing Coakley under the bus,” because she stated that in an election you have to ask for every vote. I know some of you are concerned Rush was being insensitive to the Kennedys, especially because this election will fill the Senate seat Teddy's held, but not to worry: Rush sensitively announced he's calling Martha Coakley “Marcia Coakley” “in deference” to Ted's son Patrick Kennedy, who previously called Coakley be the wrong name. Nice.

Rush then went on to claim that “ACORN, under the direction of Barack Obama [...] got 'Carol Moseley Fraud' elected.” That is a tired old line of Limbaugh's, but this time he gave Obama quite a promotion inside ACORN's ranks.

Then, always excited to report on all things Rush, he spent some time claiming how important he is and how he has foiled James Carville, because Carville's polling firm found that only 53% percent of voters are less likely to support something Rush, or Palin, or Cheney has championed. Only 53% of voters are turned off by Rush?

Rush then provided us the “Democrat [sic] Party enemies list” which, Rush claimed, included everyone who works for an insurance company, an oil company, a bank, a Wall Street firm, a trucking company, in the health care industry (private sector), basically everyone who works in the private sector (presumably excluding union employees), and everyone who works or shops at Walmart. Now, I know that sounds a little crazy, and I was going to question his assertion myself, but then -- again showing how prescient he is -- Rush added, “believe it, and don't doubt me.” Therefore, it must be true.

Back from a break, Rush announced that - continuing with the patriotic music - he was now playing the Soviet national anthem because it was patriotic “for the Democrats and the leftists in the office.” Unfortunately, not even Rush himself could muster a laugh at that one. Maybe Glenn Beck would have liked it.

Rush later popped in from a break to say that some people registered to vote in Massachusetts have died, and that this is somehow evidence of voter fraud. He went on to say that the only way to protect against voter fraud is to require a photo id to vote. I assume this is because undead zombies of former voters often show up to vote, but they can be repelled by valid photo ids.

Back from the break and at the top of the second hour, Rush repeated his list of things in the “Democratic crosshairs” which still basically include everything except government and union workers.

Next, Rush decried the vast inequalities he saw in the reporting on Katrina and Haiti. See, Rush was very upset that media figures blamed President Bush for waiting days to address to the devastation Hurricane Katrina caused in Louisiana and Mississippi (both U.S. states), but think Obama's quick response of money, and infrastructure support, and even a floating Naval hospital for Haiti (a separate country) is sufficient. Then, deciding to take the opposite position mid-rant, Rush announced that the French and Hugo Chavez, who's “an expert on occupation” (HA!) think the U.S. is occupying Haiti. He decided that means that the “Democrat [sic] Party” is going to propose making Haiti a U.S. territory. Truly stunning logic, but what would 2009 Limbaugh think about this new 2010 Limbaugh agreeing with Chavez?

Then Rush spent some time talking about David Shuster's “hate[ful]” comment in which Shuster suggested that Limbaugh's comments on Haiti indicate he's lost his mind. Rush isn't that concerned, though, since “nobody is watching” MSNBC, while Rush is "[s]omeone who does move policy. Someone who does shape public opinion." He added: “What must it be like for these little people?

Rush then clipped Rep. Alan Grayson outrageously claiming that Rush probably believes that the ”invisible hand" of the market will save people trapped under the rubble in Haiti. Did Rush then slam Grayson, saying that, in fact, he does think there should be assistance for the Haitian victims of the earthquake? Um, no. In fact, Rush said “you're damn right” the invisible hand will save Haiti, and “it's the only thing that hasn't been tried.” Rush then claimed that he did not say not to donate to Haiti, just don't donate through the government. I think I'll let you all judge that one for yourselves.

After a quick break, Rush returned to the Massachusetts special election, reporting that turnout is low in the cities of Massachusetts, but high in the suburbs. This must be why Rush said today was “an utterly satisfying day.” Next, he retuned the story he opened the show with: Some Democrats are voting for Brown. I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any less shocking than it was the first time ...

Then, Rush told a caller that the one thing Obama as succeeded at was using ACORN to steal elections, apparently prepping to call for a stolen election if Coakley wins.

Rush then reported that the Obama “is going to work even harder at ruining the economy” if Scott Brown wins. And that while “liberals have occupied” Massachusetts “forever, maybe that is coming to an end today.”

Then, a caller claimed Obama “is responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths after” the earthquake, because he's made everything so political and he failed to let the military control the relief effort. She added that Obama should never have “put those people in tents.” Rush responded that Wyclef Jean also suggested that people be evacuated from Port-au-Prince. I'm sure Rush just felt his denial of the absurd claim that Obama is responsible for thousands of deaths after the earthquake was implied. He then added that Obama didn't let the military run the relief because " '60s hippies run the country."

Returning to the Massachusetts election once more, Rush was so excited about the Coakley-Brown race that he couldn't even decide if the race is going to be stolen. He first announced that there is not enough time for chicanery in the Massachusetts election (allaying concerns about voting zombies), but then he immediately flip-flopped, repeating Lifenews.com's assertions of election fraud.

Rush then (sadly) interrupted a nice rendition of The March King's “Stars and Stripes Forever” to add one last thing in the second hour: Obama, like the Kennedys apparently, “threw Coakley under the bus.”

Rush began the third hour by gloating about poor turnout for Coakley's recent campaign events, and lamenting the lack of exit polling. I don't think Rush's been this excited since he thought Doug Hoffman was going to win New York's special election. Eager for any election news, Rush turned to the stock market and claimed that because some health care stocks are rallying today Brown may have won.

Pulling himself briefly away from election news, Rush launched into a story about a young Rush's interactions with feminists at a Sears in the early 1970s. It was not interesting enough to hold the attention of the Wire, but rest assured the moral of the story was feminists are bad, and Rush is always right.

After the break, Rush announced that he's the proud holder of a “masters of analogy” and that he engages in “theatre of the mind,” which is why Rush advised everyone to buy a Carbonite backup system from your computer.

Then Rush reported that Pew recently found that more men than women now get a lifestyle increase from marriage. Rush, always the ladies man, informed us that this is because “colleges have been chickified” (like men, and cowboys, and Joe Scarborough, and the news media, and the government, and the unions, and the military) and that we now "[a]dvance women by diminishing men," which is what the feminists, or “feminazis” have been working for. You know, it's probably better if I just let him tell you:

LIMBAUGH: Now, historically, marriage was the surest route to financial security for women. Nowadays, it's men who are increasingly getting the biggest economic boost from tying the knot, according to a new analysis of census data. The change is summarized in a Pew Research Center report being released -- today -- reflect the proliferation of working wives over the past 40 years, a period in which American women outpaced men in both education and earnings growth. Well, that's because colleges have been chick-ified. Men aren't showing up in as many numbers as they used to. Women do have greater enrollments at institutions of supposed higher learning. From an economic perspective, these trends have contributed to a gender role reversal in the gains from marriage, say the authors of the report, Richard Fry and Devirah Cohen. In the past when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women, more than that of men. But that's all turned around.

[...]

This is what we have done to boys and men. The feminists -- the feminazis -- have been working for years to this end. Advance women by diminishing men.

Later, just so we don't misunderstand his feelings about women, Rush added this aside about the women's movement: “I have always liked [it] while walking behind it.”

The quote of the day came when Rush said "Another reason why men, more than ever before, are marrying up is that many of them are marrying other men." So true, Rush! The full benefits and financial protections of marriage given to gay couples in Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and (soon) the District of Columbia are just a few of the reasons why it's so important to continue the fight for marriage equality. It was so refreshing to hear Rush come around on the issue.

Then, unable to hold out any longer, Rush finished the show they way he started it, by speculating about the Massachusetts special election. He reported that the results will not be certified -- unless decisive -- until all the ballots are counted, that the Washington Post's Sally Quinn told Bill O'Reilly that Scott Brown may be surging in the polls due to his nude (which Rush insisted was only “partially nude”) picture in Cosmo, and -- again hedging his bets incase of a Coakley win -- that the Boston Globe briefly posted “results” of the election on its website, which clearly means, Rush deduced, that if Coakley wins then the Globe knew about it in advance ...

Michael Timberlake and Kitty Kaletsky contributed to this edition of the Limbaugh Wire.