Glenn Beck's timeline of American history

Blog ››› ››› SIMON MALOY

Glenn Beck's been known to wear many hats -- radio host, cable newsman, televangelist, sort-of author, gold salesman, and so forth. But the role he relishes most is that of the historian, a self-taught student of the past who digs up in the historical record countless examples of liberal treachery to scrawl on his chalkboards. But Beck's poor command of the discipline and ideological tunnel vision often lead him to engage in some outlandish revisionism that warps the entirety of American history.

As such, we've put together a timeline tracking Beck's alternate American history from the country's founding to the present day (and beyond). It's based on Beck's own mangling of history and the peculiar views of the historians and curricula he approvingly cites.

Enjoy, and be enlightened.

Ancient History: Revisionism's Blank Canvas

6,000 BC: God creates entire planet just for America.

27 BC: Caesar Augustus becomes first person to employ the Obama Doctrine.

1 AD: First Founding Father born.

Revolutionary Era: God Founds a Country

April 1775: Paul Revere rides all night to Lexington shouting "the death panels are coming!"

c.1776: The Founders envision a new country that is uniquely American, but vaguely Swiss.

1779: Thomas Paine publishes controversial pamphlet calling George III a "racit" with "a deep-eated hatred for white people or the white culture."

1787: Constitution's drafters include $10 tax on persons "imported" into country to teach immigrants the "value" of being American.

1787: Three-fifths compromise strikes major blow for racial equality.

c.1790: America achieves racial harmony.

1797: George Washington completes his term as America's first evangelical president.

c.1800: Woman overcomes crippling unattractiveness to participate in founding of country.

1801-1809: Thomas Jefferson signs every presidential document "Jesus Christ Superstar."

Pre-Civil War Era: Freedom Everywhere

c.1808: Slavery begins for real as government begins regulating slave trade.

1822: African Americans form Liberian colony as expression of the freedoms they enjoyed in antebellum America.

1828: American experiment ends disastrously with election of first Democratic president.

1830-1860: Slave system proves increasingly trying for white plantation owners.

1861: Civil War breaks out despite marked improvements in race relations.

Civil War and Reconstruction: Slavery Makes a Comeback

1870: Social justice successfully reestablishes slavery in the United States.

1886: France gifts the Statue of Liberty to the United States to mock snooty Europeans.

1895: Small group of British socialists invent American progressivism.

The Progressive Era: Teddy and the Time Bombs

1903: Progressives start clock on 100-year time bomb, hope nobody notices ticking sound.

November 8, 1904: Theodore Roosevelt celebrates election by shooting Constitution, moose.

1905: Roosevelt does... something with, um, railroads? And it was like cancer, sort of.

1906: Roosevelt signs Pure Food and Drug Act, brings fascism to America.

1910: Progressives pioneer the use of religion for political gain.

The Wilson Years: America's Dark Ages

1912: President Woodrow Wilson single-handedly proposes, passes, and ratifies 17th Amendment.

March 4, 1913: Woodrow Wilson inaugurated president.

March 5, 1913: Wilson establishes American gulag.

September 1913: Federal income tax enacted in direct violation of Constitutional provision that expressly permitted it.

April 1917: Woodrow Wilson drags country into World War I to end America's love affair with Germany.

August 1920: Women's suffrage guaranteed by 19th Amendment. No historical record exists of who was president at the time.

The Great Depression: Communism's Foot in the Door

August 2, 1923 - October 28, 1929: American economy completely healthy.

1933: American progressives elect Adolf Hitler Chancellor of Germany.

1934: Crusading patriotic American bravely exposes Jewish Communist scheme for racial intermixture infiltration of government.

1935: Soviet leader Joseph Stalin introduces legislation creating Social Security.

1938: President Roosevelt enjoys Depression too much to let it end.

World War II: Fascist Powers Duke it Out

December 7, 1941: Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor because Woodrow Wilson insulted them.

December 11, 1941: America goes to war with its economic idol, Benito Mussolini.

November 29, 1942: Kansas couple gives birth to communist.

April 12, 1945: America catches a lucky break with death of President Roosevelt.

Post-War Years: Commies!

February 1950: Sen. Joseph McCarthy alleges communist infiltration of State Department, an allegation so true it didn't need proving.

June 1952: McCarthy says more accurate things about communists infiltrating the government, flummoxing historians with his honesty.

December 2, 1954: Senate votes to censure McCarthy for being too truthful about communism.

The Civil Rights Era: Glenn Beck had a Dream

May 15, 1940: Civil rights icon Roger Ailes born.

August 28, 1963: Through divine providence, Dr. Martin Luther King delivers speech on exact spot where America's honor would be restored 47 years later.

1965: Dr. King modifies dream to incorporate attacks on big government.

1968: Four British social activists release two-part treatise on progressive plot to overthrow society, commonly known as The White Album.

The Reagan Years: Blow, Winds of Freedom, Blow

1981: Ronald Reagan cuts taxes 23 percent, revenues increase 4 billion percent.

1983: Federal spending as percentage of GDP hits unsustainable 23 percent. No historical record exists of who was president at the time.

1988: Reagan endorses Soviet constitution.

The Clinton Years: America Under Siege

1993: Antichrist avoids detection by donning pants suit.

1995: Connecticut man makes mistake of being Asian.

1997: Bill Clinton sells nuclear secrets to China, America rejoices.

1998: America warned that Osama bin Laden gets violent when his turban is too tight.

Modern Era: Revisionism on the Fly

October 2001: U.S. military begins hostilities against Afghanistan and the free market.

March 20, 2003: Iraq war begins amid much controversy and marketing potential.

August 22, 2006: The Rapture. Armageddon destroys earth and all its inhabitants.

September 21, 2008: $700 billion bank bailout proposed, praised as right thing to do.

September 21, 2009: $700 billion bank bailout revealed as the worst thing ever that no one ever liked. Ever.

December 2009: Franklin Roosevelt rises from grave to give socialism another go.

March 22, 2010: House passes historic health care legislation, millions die.

August 28, 2010: Geese fly over people talking on National Mall, country saved.

The Future: Eventual History

2011: Raising of retirement age prompts nationwide violence by union members.

2012: American republic fails. Again.

2019: Medicare and Social Security abolished. Elderly happy to no longer be socialists.

2020: Department of Education abolished. Federal budget immediately balanced.

August 28, 2110: America celebrates Becksgiving centennial on 100th anniversary of country's corner-turning.

Person
Glenn Beck
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